So drunk its hurt
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
