I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
