I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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