Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
