i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
