plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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