Whatcha textin bout Willis?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
only you would photoshop your dick
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
