Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
there is puke in my bra ... again
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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