Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
