Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
