Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
