I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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