She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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