No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
