Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
