just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
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who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
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Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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