Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
