I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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