So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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