I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
