Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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