I think im going to throw up on grandma
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
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I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
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The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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