States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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