My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
40s are totally the cure
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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