We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
