Plan B is the new Plan A
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
