Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
