I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
