I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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