ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
