ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
