We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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