I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
