if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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