cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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