i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
