It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
