Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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