I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
