U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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