i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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