I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
