i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
