maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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