I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
