Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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