He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
