Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
