Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
