is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
