I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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