I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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