my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
