Kiss
Puke
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
