Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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