He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
