You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
