i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.