I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
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nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
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I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.