I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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