he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
