Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
