i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
